Daily Jihad

Confessions and fears

Writing by revertjihad on Friday, 25 of July , 2008 at 11:13 pm

I need to get this off my chest and out into the world.  Sorry this is my first blog because much of it will not make sense to any of you without background information, but I guess you can just look at my blog like a puzzle. Well here goes nothing…. 
Sometimes I try to stop believing in Islam, I feel like I’m so bad with practicing that I might as well go back to being an atheist because as least then I didn’t have any guilt or fear about what my sins meant for my future.
I’ve been a revert for 5 years and I haven’t prayed, fasted, or worn hijab in over 4.
I am terrified that there is no muslim community where I will fit because my ideas about what Islam really is are completely different.
I believe that Allah wanted us to follow the Quran to the strictest detail but that the hadith were never meant to be written down and were meant for the people of those times.
I believe that its good to consider fatwas and interpretations of others as a reference point when you are trying to answer a question for yourself, but that we shouldn’t put much weight on the opinions of others (even a sheik) or think that they have a better capability of recieving Allahs message. I think that people trying to apply the Hadith to modern times is the main reason the ummah has split off into so many factions and that if we all just stuck to Quran we’d have a happier and healthier ummah.
No matter how bad of a muslima I’ve been, I’ve never been able to stop myself from researching Islam.
I feel this crazy desire in me to cover and be good, but I fear I’ll never do it because my vanity and wanting to be considered attractive will always get in the way.
Sometimes I cry because Allah chose me to be a Muslim because I feel like I am everything contrary to what I believe.
I was born to Alcoholic parents who hate all things Muslim or Middle Eastern. They constantly try to talk me into divorce and out of being muslim even though they are not religious. They have openly expressed disgust about my 2 boys’ muslim names.
I truly believe that I have never loved my parents, and that I only keep them around because I rely on them financially. This makes me feel like a horrible human.
My biggest fear is that I’m not emotionally capable of loving anyone but my children unconditionally.
I’ve never had a friend who I couldn’t cease contact with and never care about again.
Thats all for now..

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Category: General Musings